Kim's conversation with Jim Fay Oct 2006

One of the benefits to facilitating the L&L program is that I get direct access to talk to Jim Fay. So during my last class I was able to discuss with him a few questions we had come up with. It was quite interesting to say the least, he's definately a wonderful man and very sincere and caring. I could very much tell that he's in this to help people and not sell a product...which made me love L&L all the more!
Something I did find funny tho was how he made me think...kept saying stuff like "well, what would you try?" and "how do you think that would turn out?"...In the most loving way I wanted to say "knock it off, I can totally tell what you're doing!" Here I was getting Love and Logic-ed from the grand master himself ~ Actually quite a thrill! Anyway, hope the notes are helpful!

Conversation with Jim Fay October 6, 2006

Be careful about saying I’m sorry to a child…probably not a good Idea to use as an empathetic statement unless it’s something like “this is so sorry”…but there are so many better ones to use it shouldn’t be necessary.

When teaching “I’m sorry” Don’t force child to say it…bad, has never worked for the last 30 years, never will. Best to teach it by example…as with all manners. Forcing never works. One way to effectively teach is to have a conversation with a friend or family member in front of the child when they don’t think they’re supposed to hear it.

Training session for severe in-car misbehavior. Have someone follow the car…preferably someone they know but who isn’t going to be nice. When the child starts acting up pull over and that someone takes them to their home and puts them in their room, then makes them pay for the babysitting/gas money. (always good to have a nice new toy to pay for such sessions) Also, it’s good if you’re going some place the child wants to go.

Corner is okay if it’s successful…use whatever has the best odds for success. Some children don’t have a temperament that will allow for something like this to be used but it needs to be a place they will stay and be safe. If going upstairs to the bedroom is inconvenient too bad, parenting is hard work. You can also use a room downstairs.

Great statement he made… “Is it working well, or is the kid working you?”

There are 2 things that will make L&L not work
Anger instead of empathy (don’t look for excuses not to use)
Too many words
Jim could care less if people buy this stuff or not. He’s saying here’s what I’ve got, if you like it and choose to use it and it works, great! If you choose not to use it or do the 2 things that make it not work, so sad! You don’t have to buy everything on the menu.

Uh-Oh is NOT a time-out! Time-outs don’t work…the whole set the timer for every year of the kids life is NOT L&L and that doesn’t work. Kids are old enough to be put in their room as soon as they’re old enough to climb out of the playpen. Timer is NOT to be set until the child is calm (oops, guess I was doing it wrong).

A lot of this stuff seems really harsh when I go back over it…but since I’ve been listening to some of their other CD’s and hearing them discuss the research behind other theory’s that have been used in the past I can really see the wisdom in their ways.